depressive episode /

5 Ways I Reset My Life after a Depressive Episode

Living with depression means depressive episodes come and go. When I was on the healing path (I still am), but when I was really in it, I would be triggered by so many things. Depressive episodes happened regularly. Sometimes they would last for weeks to up to month(s). I’m happy to say that now they last from a few days to maximum of a week.

I can make another post on depressive episodes, but what I want to talk about today is the 5 things I do to reset my life after my depressive episodes. This list is based on my own experience and is what works for me after having depressive episodes regularly. I found myself doing the same things to pick myself back up afterwards. And now I want to share them with you all.

The 5 ways I reset my life after a depressive episode

  1. One to Two days of kindness
    When I am ready to come back to civilization, it starts with an ease in. Every time I jumped in with tough love, I failed. So the first step is to meet myself with kindness. Seriously, be kind to yourself.
    Your mind and your body just went through torture. It is emotionally draining. So for the next one to two days, be kind to yourself. Journal. Take a nice relaxing bath. Whatever you do, don’t hate yourself ok?
  2. Clean Eating
    I’ll be the first to say it.. Uber eats is my ultimate friend during depression episodes. Since I live downtown it’s way too easy to hit that order button. And what do you know.. by the time I’m recovering from my episode, Uber Eats gifts me with five 40% off coupons. Say no and back away from uber eats because we are going to eat clean!

    This my friends is where I highly recommend grocery delivery. Grocery delivery has truly saved my sanity. For the price of roughly $7 CAD, I get my groceries delivered directly to my apartment door. It saves me time and for that reason the $7 CAD is worth it. (Before you come at me, I am a slowwwww grocery shopper so grocery delivery is worth it for me.

    The two grocery companies I use are: Superstore and Walmart.

    I like Superstore because I can get Optimum points. (if you’re not making the most out of optimum points, you’re missing out!)

    If I’m not earning points on anything, I’ll look at Walmart because they generally have affordable pricing overall.

    If you do not like either of those then you’re still in luck. Save-On-Foods and T&T are some other grocery companies that do delivery. Just check your area.
  3. Get Outdoors for fresh air
    During my depressive episode it’s most likely I have not made it outside… let alone outside my bedroom. So the next thing up is to just get outside. Maybe it’s only for 5 minutes. Maybe it’s just across the street. Maybe you have to put on a full balaclava. That’s ok! Just get outside. Feel fresh air on you skin and in your lungs.
  4. Shower/makeup
    I admit. This part is tough on it’s own, but if I can do steps 1-3, then the next step is to pull my physical self together. That means take a shower, curl my hair (only takes 10 mins and goes a long way in making me feel put together), and putting on a little makeup.

    Makeup used to stress me out! And I used to be a makeup artist. I realize the key is to KEEP IT SIMPLE. Do the bare minimum. For me that means foundation, eyebrows, curling my eyelashes (mascara is sometimes even too much), and a dab of lip tint.

    Keep it simple.
  5. Clean my apartment. (Or tidy a smidge)
    This means whatever you can do. Don’t beat yourself up for not deep cleaning. If I only have a little bit of energy, I will:
    – Take out the trash
    – Put dishes in the dishwasher (they most likely have been sitting in the sink) and run it
    – arrange my couch pillows and clean off my coffee table.

It’s incredibly hard to get yourself out of a depressive episode. If that is all you can do that is still amazing.

Elizabeth Gilbert said something amazing when I saw her speak in Vancouver. It’s something I never forget and I tell people often- when you’re going through a tough time, treat yourself like a new rescued dog from the shelter. Shower yourself with love.

I’d love to hear how you all get out of a depressive slump. Feel free to leave a comment!

Uncategorized /

I had what one would perceive a “big win” in my business today.

I’m still feeling down. Didn’t get out of bed until 230pm. I almost bailed on my business commitment but after pushing through, I made it. The meeting went great and I landed the account.

While mentally I knew this was a win, I simply couldn’t feel it. The depression makes me feel and think “what’s the point?”. What’s the point of being happy about this when depression is going to consume my life. (I know I know. This thought a lot is a very black and white thought)

However, since I was already out I decided to go grocery shopping. And after grocery shopping… I cleaned my fridge and freezer! I also vacuumed and did laundry.

I’m slowly feeling less depressed and manic. I am grateful that I can acknowledge my moods are attributed to medication withdrawal/change. A few years ago I probably wouldn’t have seen this and gone a bit stir crazy.

Another win. Last night I made pasta dinner and I ate the left overs tonight. I guess it’s a win because the previous few nights I’ve been ordering food.

Slowly but surely. It’s going to be ok.

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Is it a chemical reaction in my brain or am I just lazy?

My body is running on 0%, therefore I just lay here. There is no will or desire to get going or move. This feeling is familiar. It’s the reason I’ve been fired from jobs or resigned. Nothing feels safe aside from just laying here, breathing on the floor.

Why can’t my mind overcome the depression? It feels so weak. As if I’m giving away my power.

This is day 15 of antidepressants withdrawal/modifiction.

How am I supposed to help others when I can’t even help myself?

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Medication withdrawals?

It’s been two weeks since I stopped taking quetiapine. Well, sort of.

My prescription ran out and it was a long process with my Canadian doctor to get a refill. Long story short, I had no more quetiapine pills. So I stopped taking it.

I do not recommend doing this. It wasn’t a smart decision. One I made from anger and impulse, fully knowing it would be my own mental mind that suffers.

About ten days later, I stopped by the pharmacy to see if there was anything over the counter I could take to help me sleep. I was becoming a bit sleepless without the quetiapine, the antidepressant that made me sleepy. The pharmacist then told me they had a refill for me. No one called or alerted me. I paid for the prescription (extended benefits coverage has now run out). I decided to take a lower dosage to get some sleep.

Fourteen days later, aka today, I feel it. Utter low energy. Isolation. Madness. Part of me know there’s things that will make me feel better, like doing my suicidal thoughts workbook, but the worst part of me doesn’t want to feel better.

The worst part of me wants to suffocate me in the darkness.

Connection.

Connection heals me. Usually. But things have shifted this year and I’m slowly realizing that the connections I rely on don’t have time for me in their lives.

It brings me back to wondering- where do I belong?

People worry when a fire is a blaze. But does anyone notice when the first starts?

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Hypomania Diaries: there is nothing good here

It’s been about a year and although things have changed, my midnight hypomania still exists. Last night I was researching on medically assisted dying in Canada and “Where do people go to die?”. It’s almost selfish and cruel because in reality I don’t have a bad life. I live in a nice apartment in Downtown Vancouver. I have a car. I have friends. And I appear quite happy-go-lucky when meeting people.

But inside, there is a darkness in me. A darkness that consumes me at times and turns my life upside down. It makes me question my life’s purpose and makes it impossible to live without a purpose.

I’m 37 years old. I have a lot of things in my life, but none of the things I thought I would have at this point. Life partner, kids, financial security, and a stable career. For most of my life, these things have been a struggle.

I don’t know where to go from here. I made a promise to myself to live for my niece (and now nephew), because ending my life at this point might hurt and confuse her. Sometimes it keeps me going, but sometimes it’s hard to live for others when I’m going crazy inside.

Thirty seven years old is a weird age. I have to push myself to believe there is a future, but with the darkness consuming me it tends to be really hard. The bipolar2 that comes with depression is such a mindfuck. In the company of others I am normal and stable, yet when I’m alone, my thoughts can drive me to sanity.

How can someone love me when I hate who I am? There is nothing good here.

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What Really Goes on In My Head During A Manic Insomniac Episode

The most painful moments of my life are during my manic episodes. I wish I could say that by now I am used to them, but anytime I have them I never know if I will survive. I made a promise to myself to live for my niece. Yet the dark moments really test the waters.

There’s varying degrees of manic episodes for me. Depending on how big the triggers are, what is happening in my life, and how well I can use my tools. Every so often I seem to get knocked off by my worst trigger. My latest one being three days ago. The days following are filled with crazy thoughts, impulsivity, crying, lots of crying, fucked up sleep schedules, no sleep schedules because I can’t quiet my mind, self loathing, and serious isolation.

For those who want to read the truth, here is what goes through my mind when I go through a manic episode:

Disclaimer: Don’t tell me I didn’t warn you that these thoughts are crazy

i don’t belong anywhere
where do people go to disappear?
i’m a waste of skin
there is no future for me in any aspect
turns out people do want love, just not with me
sure my friends love me but they have their own lives
i’m living for ella, but is it enough?
i wish ella didn’t remember me
where is the cheapest place to live in canada
where is the cheapest place to live in the world
can you live in a tent somewhere off grid?
what does living in a tent/car for life look like?
medically assisted suicide
where is medically assisted suicide available?
will a nurse actually sign off on my suicide forms?
damn i hate my doctor
i miss my therapist
how deep do i have to cut in order to bleed out?
should i rewatch that ’13 reason why’ episode where she drowns in the tub?
my landlord would not be happy if I killed myself in this apartment
(crying)
is this what it’s like to go crazy?
should i go to the hospital?
what for? they put me on a waitlist for therapy
should i just go to a mental facility
where to stab myself if I want to never have the chance of giving birth
who knows if i can even give birth with PCOS
should i host a sale where people come to my apartment and take what they want?
what do i actually value in this apartment?
is it only 3am?
am i going to make it through the night?
switzerland provides medically assisted suicide
oh wait it is now in canada as of 2024. is that a sign?
(start to fill out medically assisted suicide forms)
i never thought i’d be this way.. looking back to highschool days. but it makes sense
should i go for a run right now to stanely park?
i should go camping far away
what if i sold/gifted everything in my apartment, lived in my car, and drove across canada
is this actually my life right now
my knives are too dull to stab myself. i should get sharper knives
or i should get my knives sharpened
how can i turn my mind off without sleeping?
this has always been me and my life. why am i surprised?
where do people go in the world to disappear?
is there a tiny home village i can move to?
searching craigslist for places that are cheap to live
maybe i should just be a sugar baby
it’s kind of wild that the hospital put me on a wait list. i thought they’re supposed to understand wild mood disorders?!
too functional to be admitted, but too fucked up to live a regular life
i should find a new therapist. it’s been a year
no money for therapy or energy to find one who understands my mood disorders (the last one said they did)
at least the sun is coming up
the birds are chirping
every day feels pointless and worthless
i have no purpose on this earth
if it wasn’t for ella i would not be here. would she be ok without me?
i’m just her auntie


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5 Best Podcasts for Depression

When I was going through my pretty bad depression year, I listened to a lotttt of podcasts. I also had a 40 minute (minimum) commute to work each way and a job that allowed me to listen to podcasts throughout my day so I had a lot of time. What best to use this time than to learn through listening?

In this post I’m going to share my top 5 best depression podcasts for the dark times.

Disclaimer: I was determined to figure out what was going on with my mind and in a way, listening to these provided comfort. HOWEVER, what I want to mention is that sometimes they can be triggering. Sometimes you have to give your mind a break and a breather.

My top 5 podcasts for depression

In no specific order

  • Achieve Your Goals Podcast by Hal Elrod
  • On Purpose with Jay Shetty
  • Stuck Not Broken
  • Huberman Lab
  • Ultimate Health Podcast

Achieve Your Goals Podcast by Hal Elrod


Why I love it: There is something very relatable and comforting to hearing Hal Elrod speak. He has an amazing story of resilience where he was in a car accident and legally pronounced dead when his heart stopped but thankfully came back to life. I remembering listening to some of his episodes and it gave me so much hope. He’s dealt with depression and feelings of suicide. There was this one episode where he talks about sharing the uncomfortableness of having suicidal thoughts come on. He also has a book called “The Miracle Morning” which I’ve purchased. I’ve yet to become a morning person, but he does give me hope and inspired action.
Click here to listen on spotify

On Purpose with Jay Shetty


Why I love it: Jay Shetty was a monk before, and when I was in my deep depression, I looked up where to go and how to be a monk. A lot of what he says is so profound- it always gets me into my deep thinking. He now interviews actors, but my favourite episodes with him are with other health coaches.
Click here to listen on spotify

Stuck Not Broken by Justin Sunseri


Why I love it: This podcast is AMAZING and I wish more people knew about it. One of the first things I said to my therapist was “What the heck is going on with me scientifically when I’m having a melt down or depressive episode?”. She told me to look into polyvagal theory by Dr. Steven Porges. What’s polyvagal theory I thought? Upon my research I found Justin Sunseri’s podcast Stuck Not Broken. He explained it so well to me. He goes into lengthy detailed descriptions which I loved. I learned a lot from his podcast and highly recommend it. It’s one of a kind as well. He is the best at explaining polyvagal theory in my opinion.
Click here to listen on spotify

Huberman Lab by Andrew Huberman


Why I love it: Chances are you’ve already heard of Dr Andrew Huberman and the Huberman Lab. He is amazing. I love how scientific his podcast is. He does a really good job and explaining the brain and body and how things work. Some of my favourite episodes of his are ones on depression, mood disorders, bipolar, etc. He’s a doctor at Stanford University who knows his stuff.
Click here to listen on spotify

The Ultimate Health Podcast by Jesse Chappus


Why I love it: This podcast is what got me into podcasts. I wanted to learn. I would put The Ultimate Health Podcast on and just let it play. Every episode taught me something. And I found myself researching each guest he had on the show. It’s how I discovered Hal Rod. Jesse talks about all things health. I love it. It’s the kind of podcast I would love to have one day.
Click here to listen on spotify

Do you listen to any of these podcasts? Do you have any recommendations on podcasts you love? Comment below. I’d love to hear your thoughts!

Writing /

Write Like No One Is Reading

Dr. Susan David wrote these words in her book Emotional Agility. “Write Like No One is Reading”. They are the words her teacher said to her when she was young to get her to write freely in her journal. It’s how I write in my own personal diary, but it’s always messy and everywhere.

I love writing, but in a way it clashes with my perfectionism. If I can’t do it correctly I won’t write it at all. But it’s not the way I want to be. And things only get better if you try, right?

Making A Pact To Just Try

So I want to make a pact to myself. To simply just try. It’s been my moto for 2023 to just try things and it has been a wild eye opening year. However one thing I’ve always wanted to be but never seem to progress in is a regular blogger/writer. Maybe because I can’t find the right words to translate onto paper.

As 2024 is around the corner I am reminded that another year has passed and I haven’t truly given writing my all. It’s something I want to do and be. I’ve always wanted to be a writer, but never felt good enough. But what is good enough in today’s world?

What Do I have to lose?

I need to write like no one is reading. Because what do I have to lose?

My two new words: hit publish.